Global Cabal Furious With Biden Over Lackluster Vaccination Rate
Non-Satire?
Senior members of the Global Cabal that secretly runs the world spoke out against Joe Biden Tuesday. The Cabal expressed “deep frustrations” with the U.S. President’s inability to sell their vaccine.
One member, who simply went by “Tom,” stated that, “We put Joe in the White House for one reason—to pump the vaccine until he’s blue in the face. But instead, he just mumbles incoherently and sniffs people’s hair. And don’t even get me started on Kamala, Jesus Christ, what a mistake that was.”
Another Cabal member, who wished to remain anonymous, allowed his associate, Mr. Joshua, to speak on his behalf. Mr. Joshua explained, while holding a burning lighter under his forearm without flinching, that, “Biden has been using the carrot. It is now time for the stick. The vaccine is a vital component of our plan to reduce the world’s population by 99.9%. If Biden can’t meet the timetables we’ve provided, then we’ll find someone who can.”
White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, issued an apology to the Cabal, promising to “do better.”
“We understand just how important this is to the Great Reset,” Psaki stated. “So, moving forward, we’ll be looking at some new policy options. The President has already informed senior staff that our families are in mortal danger, so I think some bold moves are on the horizon. The President has also agreed to meet with several Cabal members tomorrow at midnight beneath the giant owl in Bohemian Grove. He remains confident that once everyone is wearing their robes and chanting around a bonfire, they can smooth out any kinks.”
Yet some experts are less optimistic. Dr. Bob Murrow is a senior fellow at the Brookings Institute, and he fears Biden’s days are numbered.
“The Cabal doesn’t tolerate mistakes,” Murrow explained. “They’re pretty ruthless. I remember back in 2002, when they were pushing for the Iraq War. They wanted me to write an article explaining why the war was a good idea. I stayed up day and night for a week, and I couldn’t come up with a single reason. That’s when I found the severed head of a horse in my bed one morning, and got right to work. To this day, I think my article helped get us past the goal line.”
As of publication, the Cabal still plans to save the planet from catastrophic climate change by eliminating the vast majority of humans.