News Outlets Quietly Disappointed Texas Synagogue Hostage-Taker Not White Supremacist
DALLAS—Authorities identified the gunman who held four people hostage at a Texas synagogue Saturday as 44-year-old British national, Malik Faisal Akram. Media enthusiasm for the story waned, however, due to the attacker’s thoroughly non-caucasian name.
“Honestly, we were all hoping this would vindicate everything we’ve been saying about white supremacy for the past five years,” explained MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell. “But then the guy’s name turns out to be Malik Faisal Akram? That sucks! And he’s not even American for Christ’s sake! What the hell was a British guy doing in Texas, anyway?”
Several other prominent media figures commented off the record that they shared in O’Donnell’s sentiment, but didn’t want to state it publicly.
“I’m just glad all the hostages are safe,” stated CNN host Don Lemon. “That’s all I cared about. Swear to God.”
Meanwhile, conservative media outlets were quietly celebrating—yet as one reporter who wished to remain anonymous stated, “It’s pretty hard not to spike the football here.”
However, Fox News host Sean Hannity expressed delight that everything had “worked out.”
“It’s like I’ve been saying since the good old days when I was cheerleading the living f__k out of the Iraq War. It was a Muslim terrorist! It’s always a Muslim terrorist! We should bomb Tunisia!”
Texas authorities also revealed that Akram was attempting to secure the release of neuroscientist, Aafia Siddiqui, a Pakistani national incarcerated in Texas. The 49-year-old woman possesses advanced degrees from both MIT and Brandeis. She was imprisoned after being captured in Afghanistan and then stealing a U.S. Army officer’s rifle and shooting at her captors with it. How the petite neuroscientist managed to wrestle the officer’s weapon from him and then shoot him with it remains unclear.