Biden's First Year Was a Disaster—But His Press Conference About It Was Even Worse
Non-Satire
On the eve of President Biden’s one year anniversary, he—or his communications team—decided it would be a good idea to “get ahead” of any negative media coverage. Thus, Biden emerged from the Oval Office and stood before a small, masked, carefully curated group of “journalists” to answer a handful of pre-vetted questions.
It was a great show and I enjoyed every minute, although I briefly nodded off a few times. Nevertheless, I (mostly) watched the entire two-hour extravaganza. Here is a blow by blow analysis of what happened:
First, Biden strode briskly to the podium and made a show of removing his mask along the way. He does this every time he approaches a podium. Why? Well, to let you know that he always wears the mask—even behind closed doors—because he is a good person, leads by example, and knows that masks, though repeatedly proven otherwise, are a highly effective way of “shutting down the virus.”
Next, Biden delivered a short speech in which he extolled the many accomplishments of his administration. He admitted, however, that there were a few “challenges.” But, like any young man at his first job interview, he managed to spin those challenges into monumental achievements.
Then, with the predictability of a Swiss watch, Biden breathily implored the last five or six unvaccinated Americans to “get vaccinated!” He also delivered his latest PR-crafted catch phrase of: “While it (the virus) is cause for concern, it's not cause for panic."
That, my friends, is what a “pivot” sounds like. Here is the translation: “Panic was useful when we were trying to oust Trump, but now it is decimating my approval ratings, so let’s downgrade it to ‘concern.’”
Once Biden finished his remarks, the questions started. I had already fallen asleep at this point, so from my perspective, the first question came from a seriously hot reporter in the front row named Allison Harris. She asked if Biden would consider the upcoming midterm elections legitimate if his so-called “voting rights” bill didn’t get passed. Biden mostly evaded the question—probably for legal reasons—but did eventually say, “No matter how hard they (Republicans) make it for minorities to vote, I think they’re going to stand in line and defy the attempt to keep them from being able to vote.”
Setting aside the fact that no one anywhere is trying to “prevent minorities” from voting—partially because that would be illegal—the fact is, if “standing in line” is the only hurdle that minorities face before they can make it to the ballot box, then I’d hardly call that “Jim Crow on steroids,” as Biden has so shamelessly put it in the past.
Nevertheless, the nature of Harris’s question was interesting. Why is it that when Trump voters questioned the election results in 2020, they were labeled as moronic conspiracy theorist Nazis, but when Democrats preemptively question the legitimacy of an election they’re fighting for civil rights? I understand it’s not a perfect parallel, but it is food for thought.
Anyway, Harris then asked a follow-up question regarding school closures and Omicron. Biden seized the opportunity to deliver his now signature move wherein he leans forward and creepily whispers directly into the microphone. He said, “Very few schools are closing. Over ninety-five percent are still open.” A shiver coursed down Harris’s spine.
Then, after standing up straight again, Biden issued the following statement about health measures designed to keep schools safe: “So we have new ventilation systems available for them, we have the way they handle, the way they scrub down laboratories, and I mean the laboratories kids go to to go to the bathroom, cafeterias, buses, etcetera, all that money is there.” That is a verbatim quote.
Also, for some reason, Biden began making a strange hand gesture like he was trying to gently pull apart a single ply of toilet paper during the bit about kids going to the bathroom in their school laboratories. (Yes, obviously he meant to say “lavatories,” but he didn’t.)
Next up was a reporter from Bloomberg named Jen Epstein. This plump, mid-thirties Rhodes Scholar with terrific hair, proceeded to goad President Biden into declaring war on Russia. Here was her question: “If the U.S. and NATO aren’t willing to put troops on the line to defend Ukraine and American allies can’t agree on a sanctions package, hasn’t the U.S. and the West lost nearly all of its leverage over Vladimir Putin? And given how ineffective sanctions have been in deterring Putin in the past, why should the threat of new sanctions give him pause?”
In other words, “Why haven’t you declared war yet, you pussy?”
If I were Biden, I would’ve answered the question like this: “Well, I’d be more than happy to send you, Jen Epstein. I’m sure you’ll give Putin ‘pause.’ So here’s a gun and a ticket to Ukraine. Bonne chance!”
Instead, Biden said, “Because he’s never seen sanctions like the ones I’ve promised.”
If Putin was watching at that point, he undoubtedly jumped right out of his socks.
I will admit, however, that on the subject of Russia, Biden did reasonably well. He suddenly became lucid and intelligible—no more gaffes or creepy whispering. Instead, he came across as the one guy in the room determined to douse the flames rather than pour gasoline on them. Why members of the media are so gung ho for war with Russia is beyond me. Some people might say, “it’s because of the Military Industrial Complex!” But I worked in TV news for years, and I can assure you that the average reporter is as far removed from the MIC as you are from the Moon. So honestly, I have no idea what goes through the minds of the Jen Epsteins of the world. All I know is that it isn’t good.
Next up was a question from The Wall Street Journal about inflation. Biden—with a straight face—declared that the supply chain crisis (which he is often blamed for) is what’s causing the inflation. He then wisely pointed out, “You have a circumstance where people are paying more for a pound of hamburger meat than they ever paid. Well, one of the reasons for that is you don’t have that many folks out there that are the ones that are get the big four that are controlling it all.” Again, that is a verbatim quote.
Biden failed to mention, however, the role of the Federal Reserve in printing a trillion new dollars every five minutes for the past fifteen years as a possible contributor to the inflation problem. But, you know, he can’t mention everything in his responses, he’s on the clock.
The next reporter to the plate was NBC’s Kristen Welker. However, the pant-suited heavyweight unwittingly revealed her secret alliance with Vice President Kamala Harris when she asked the following question: “You put Vice President Harris in charge of voting rights. Are you satisfied with her work on this issue, and can you guarantee, do you commit that she will be your running mate in 2024?”
Now to understand the Machiavellian nature of Welker’s carefully crafted Kafka Trap here, one needs to understand basic American identity politics. As an “old white man,” Biden is not allowed to ever speak critically of a “woman of color.” So, when a “woman of color” like Welker asks Biden to comment on the performance of—as well as commit himself—to another “woman of color,” Biden has no choice but to praise said “woman of color” and declare his undying loyalty to her. So, if Biden was ever hoping to ditch Kamala in favor of someone who the vast majority of Americans didn’t despise, then those hopes are gone. He’s married to Kamala whether he likes it or not.
Yet Biden, the old fox, still managed to ruffle Welker’s feathers. He responded to her question by simply saying, “yes and yes,” without any additional commentary. Why did that anger Welker? Because “yes and yes” is too short for a workable soundbite. Believe me. I’ve been there myself and it’s very frustrating. She then asked Biden to give her a little more, so he obliged and none of it really meant anything, so I won’t bother transcribing it.
Afterwards, one of my favorite moments occurred when Biden referred to himself in the third person. It reminded me of that scene in Seinfeld where George accidentally copies the character Jimmy, and declares, “George likes his chicken spicy!”
Biden’s version wasn’t as good, but this is real life. In his case, he was answering a question about Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and said, “Mitch has been very clear. He’s doing anything to prevent Biden from being a success!”
Anyway, as I watched the press conference, I noticed—with a glimmer of hope—that Fox News’ Peter Doocy was sitting up front, and I wondered if he might get to ask a real question. It took an hour and a half, but finally Doocy got his chance. He muscled his way to the mic, notebook in hand, and asked, “Mr. President, why are you trying so hard to pull the country to the Left?”
In all of Biden’s fifty years in politics, I doubt he’s ever faced such a difficult question. It took him at least three milliseconds to figure out how to answer it and say, “Uh… no, I’m not.”
And that was it. The righteous cannon blast from Fox News was a dud. Doocy then drifted off like a day-old party balloon and crumbled into a ball somewhere in the corner.
So, who else would take their shot at the mic? At this point, only a few reporters remained.
As it turned out, a twelve-year-old boy wondered if he could be the one to pull Excalibur from the stone. He didn’t give his name, but it didn’t matter. What mattered is that he had guts.
He asked Biden about his recent speech in Georgia where he likened Republicans to segregationists like George Wallace and Bull Conner due to their opposition to his “voting rights” bill.
This is when Biden decided to give the audience a thrill. He does it every once in a while and everyone loves it. I call it his “Thunder Chief” routine. This is where he yells angrily into the microphone at random intervals and snaps everyone out of their collective stupor. This time he barked, “Go back and read what I said! And tell me if you think I called anyone on the side of the position taken by Bull Conner that they were Bull Conner! That is an interesting reading of English!”
The twelve-year-old then fired back, “So did you expect that would work with both Senators Manchin and Sinema?”
During which time, Biden’s face looked like this:
Biden retorted that, “There are things that are so consequential that you have to speak from your heart as well as your head!”
For the record, here is the actual quote from Biden’s speech in Georgia: “The next few days when these bills come to a vote will mark a turning point in this nation’s history … So I ask every elected official in America, how do you want to be remembered? The consequential moments in history, they present a choice. Do you want to be on the side of Dr. King or George Wallace? Do you want to be on the side of John Lewis or Bull Conner? Do you want to be on the side of Abraham Lincoln or Jefferson Davis? This is the moment to decide!”
I’m no expert, but it sounds to me, like Biden is saying that if you don’t vote in favor of the “voting rights” bill, then you’re going to be on the same side of history as George Wallace, Bull Conner and Jefferson Davis. Is there any other way to interpret it?
So, returning to Biden’s thunderous response to the twelve-year-old’s question, it would appear as though he did in fact compare Republicans to George Wallace and Bull Conner. And Jefferson Davis.
But then again, who cares? Biden is a lifelong, machine politician. It should surprise absolutely no one that he is completely full of shit.
Speaking of which, Biden kept referring to meals as “squares.” He kept saying, “families are struggling to put three squares on the table.”
Who the hell, other than active-duty military personnel, refers to their meals as “squares?” What is going on in this man’s mind?! He never served in the military. He is one of the few presidents who never got anywhere near it. So why say “squares?” Did some pollster tell him to say it to give the impression that he was in the military?
Fox News host Tucker Carlson once did a segment where he compared Kamala Harris to a Twinkie—not because she was sweet or looked like one, but because she was that fake.
Yet Harris is just an easy target. The truth is that they are all fake. Biden. Harris. McConnell. Democrats. Republicans. All the same.
These days, I might prefer the lies of Republicans over the lies of Democrats, but it’s a daily effort to remind myself that none of this theater is real.
Do you know why people hate the media so much? It’s not because they lie or because they are so demonstrably stupid. It is because they are the circus’s ringmasters. They devote every waking minute to keeping you fooled and distracted while a gaggle of thieves picks your pocket.
Most of the articles I write for this newsletter are satire. I do that for two reasons: 1.) Humor is the quickest route to the truth. 2.) It’s the only thing I can think of to cheer me up in a world gone insane.
And I know I’m not alone in thinking that. I’m sure there are millions of individuals who feel the same way. But for some reason—outside of my immediate family—I’ve never actually met one. Or maybe I did, but I didn’t know it. Were they too scared to say what they really thought? Was I?
Probably.
I guess that’s why we have the internet—you can say anything here. (Sort of.) But I think we all know it is a very inadequate substitute. Kind of like a press conference where the president isn’t really the president, and the reporters aren’t really reporters.