California Man Invents Silent Leaf Blower, All World Problems Suddenly Disappear
SAN DIEGO—Peace and prosperity swept the globe Tuesday after San Diego resident Bruce Conner invented a perfectly silent leaf blower. The 36-year-old small business owner says he came up with the idea as “a means of personal survival.”
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” Conner stated. “Every Tuesday and Thursday all I could hear was BWAAHH…BWAH, BWAH… BWAAAAHHH, and I wanted to kill myself. Then one night I was looking at my wife and two kids and thought, I need to live. So the next day I got to work.”
Conner emphasized that he had no idea his invention would solve the rest of the world’s problems as well.
“Who could’ve seen that coming?” Conner chuckled. “It turns out that all the war, famine and disease was a direct consequence of leaf blowers! They were that annoying.”
Meantime, experts remain baffled as to how Conner’s invention could create lasting and meaningful world peace so quickly.
“I’ve spent my whole life studying global conflict zones,” stated Professor Charles Winthrop, president of the Security Studies Program at Georgetown University. “It never occurred to me that a silent leaf blower would fix everything. But now in hindsight, it makes perfect sense. Gas-powered leaf blowers are the leading source of annoyance on Planet Earth. It stands to reason that if you got rid of them, then there would be a ripple effect. It is surprising though how quickly the world improved. Virtually overnight!”
Conner originally planned to file for a patent for his invention, but then realized it wasn’t necessary.
“Everything is perfect now,” he explained. “Society doesn’t need money anymore. Everyone has what they need and they’re happy. It literally is Heaven on Earth.”